 the date with the janny by julie mcdowall the janny asked to meet me for brunch in the goslow café on victoria road not a great location so my first internet date was to be in an area known for its stabbings its pound shops and its pit bulls with a janny it was hard to know what to wear it s a date yes but it s also the morning in a place resembling hiroshima on one fateful 1945 day and it s with a janny i wonder what a janny looks for in a woman well what does a woman look for in a man certainly not a janny that s for sure we were meeting outside queens park station he was there first so i had a clear view as i walked down victoria road i was horrified when i caught sight of him he had a humpback oh god now i ll always be known as humpbacked janny lover as i got closer i realised he was not deformed he was just wearing a bomber jacket and was all hunched up against the cold we introduced ourselves and shook hands i wasn t sure about the etiquette here but is it normal to shake hands on a date i thought not but neither would it have felt normal to clasp the bomberjacketed janny in an affectionate hug or give him a peck on the cheek he seemed very nervous which was good for me as it meant i could act all calm and superior after all i m not the awkward janny in the bomber jacket he clapped his hands together and stamped his feet and we talked about the cold then it dawned on him we were supposed to be on a date so he said well shall we and we started off down victoria road to the café this was only my first internet date but i knew that the janny and i weren t going to hit it off people say you must be patient get to know someone bla bla bla but i say go with your instinct and that you can usually tell within the first few minutes after all first impressions count and my first impression of this guy was deformed janny it ll take a lot for him to come back from that as we struggled down an icy victoria road he made painful attempts to start a conversation it was a saturday morning and the road was packed with shoppers and knowncriminals everyone was jostling one another trying to avoid the slush and the big issue sellers so it was hard to get a conversation started we both tried and were shouting what i didn t catch that when i suddenly stopped he looked at me nervous i think we ve walked past the café i said he looked agonised so i took over and headed us back down the road we finally sat down in the go slow and ordered a latte each as he took his bomber jacket off i gave him a cheeky glance to make sure he was definitely not a humpback he also ordered a bacon roll with tomato sauce i d have loved the same but it was unthinkable to eat a roll on a first date grease crumbs neon smears of sauce too risky the painful startstop of conversation resumed he asked me questions and it began to feel like an interview but he was no jeremy paxman so we had strayed into something like what are your hobbies and interests list them for me and show your workings i would answer and just as i tried to ask him the same ie draw him into a conversation he would launch into question no 2 something like how long have you been on the dating site and what do you hope to achieve by this answer with reference to three novels you have studied this term my spirits were low and sank even further when his bacon roll appeared and i was deliciously assaulted by the smell of crackly bacon i think it was at this point that i gave up and resigned myself to being interviewed and making a decent exit i stirred my coffee and wondered how soon i could leave he asked me what bands i like not being 12 i thought this was just a silly question so i turned it back on him well he said it s hard to say but the best gig i ve been to i mean like the best do you know who it was i admitted i hadn t the faintest idea and stirred my coffee harder the best gig has to be rolf harris for the first time he had actually caught my attention i looked at him the phone vibrated in my bag i knew it d be rude to check it but i needed a distraction eh tell me about rolf harris i said and dipped into my bag it was a funny text from my sister asking me if i was still out with the weird janitor guy i shoved my phone away and looked across at him i was smiling and he smiled too no doubt thinking i was impressed with his talk of didgeridoos suddenly the café door opened and a blast of cold air came in i put my coat on for warmth the janny eventually stopped talking and scratched his ear i mean really scratched it he actually put his coffee cup down so he could devote his full strength and attention to it his pinky was right in there working away funny to think it s still morning i said no no he said it ll be afternoon now as we clearly had nothing else to talk about i picked up the ball and ran with it no i bet it s still morning here i ll check i lifted my bag back onto my knee and dug my phone out i checked the time see 1158 still morning he shrugged so it is then i had a stroke of genius i ve got my coat on now i ve lifted my bag onto my knee i ve remarked on the time it can t possibly be clearer that the date is over can it is there anything else i can do to nudge us out the door then i remembered his love of equality you must let me pay my share i announced and put some coins on the table there can be no clearer sign the date is over he took the hint and my money and pulled his bomber jacket on we parted at queens park station with not even a handshake i gave him a nod and flounced off home issue 1 julie mcdowall lovely story you had me the permalink submitted by tracy not verified on february 4 2013 1735 lovely story you had me the whole way  reply 