 the date with the clown by julie mcdowall as i walk up hope street that night to meet the clown i nearly fall i put my hand out to steady myself and realise i m drunk really though how could it be any other way he gives me a few hours notice and i was so nervously anticipating his text all day that i couldn t eat lunch then i have to rush home to get ready so there s no time for dinner and i m in such a trembling state at the thought of seeing him that i throw back a glass of rioja then another as i m putting my makeup on then a third glass vanishes too bah i don t have time to stop and carefully measure out the drinks i m shaking here it s 740 twenty minutes till i meet him i take my phone out and ring jenben my sister i need to speak to someone not involved in this circus panic she s wise she ll talk me down from my state of freewheeling madness when she answers i launch straight into clownramblings i m not sure how much of it translates across to jenben as she just keeps saying are you all right i want to say of course i m all right just tell me how to defeat the clown but through the red haze of the wine i know noone can pull me out of this except me and i don t want out of it my watch says 750 i need to go get up the hill to rose st where the ginger ogre lies in wait for me she makes me promise to text her when i get home but i ve forgotten the promise as soon as i give it i m feeling woozy as i cross sauchiehall st and i wonder horribly if i m going to vomit to do that on a date oh god no but as i enter rose st and see the art deco entrance to the theatre where he is quietly waiting the nausea vanishes to be replaced with a sharp dread any second now i ll be face to face with him my cruel ginger tormentor i approach the glass doors and see the foyer is jammed with people i can t go in how can i just walk up to him like a normal person so i pull out my phone and pretend to be on a call and patter about in the street for a few minutes to buy some time i can t go in eventually i come to realise how absurd i look i slip the phone into my bag and step into the dazzling foyer there is a crowd but i spot him right away there he is i d see him immediately anywhere we go into the bar for a drink and you have to walk down a few stairs to get there he seems to struggle with the steps and i notice he is limping furiously of course he said he d twisted his ankle and that was why he couldn t see me he hands me the house red in a plastic cup saying he s says he s not drinking as he s on medication for his ankle which was the excuse he d given for cancelling our last date he seems very curt with me tonight is it because i ve turned up drunk i sneak a glance at him he s frowning down at a leaflet of the coming attractions neither of us is speaking i sip my wine oh god this is bad maybe he s just in pain with his ankle or maybe he s just embarrassed about being seen with a drunken woman i drain my wine and then start crumpling the rim of the plastic cup he finishes reading the leaflet and looks down at the mangled plastic in my hand sighing he removes it from me and says we should get upstairs to the auditorium he turns and hobbles up the steps to the foyer and i follow him my face is so hot i m surprised the fire alarm isn t going off as he walks ahead of me down the hallway i start to feel defiant what s he being weird for it s his fault i m such a nervous wreck and it s his fault i couldn t eat today and it s his fault i had no time for dinner and it s his hot and cold attitude that has made me so nervous about seeing him that i had to resort to dutch courage then he looks down his snooty ginger nose at me and acts all superior my mind is galloping away with this when he turns at the foot of the staircase and takes my arm i immediately soften the poor lamb needs my help to climb the stairs oh clown how i adore you i relax and all my unease falls away and as it does my giddiness surges back oh yeah i m drunk and here was me forgetting i laugh as we go up and i suddenly trip over my shoes and manage to fall upstairs think what falling upstairs actually means and now think what it means when you re on the allimportant third date with a man you are crazy for he jerks me to my feet i just laugh these aren t even my shoes he s not amused well whose shoes are they i snort fiona s as though it s the most obvious thing in the world he manages to manoeuvre me into a seat and we wait for the film to start i don t want a repeat of the silence between us downstairs so i start up a conversation but all i remember is that i kept talking about ketamine mercifully the lights dim and the film starts i sink low into my seat and want to die i ve turned up drunk and i ve annoyed him i really have he s being very short with me maybe it s not so bad though but he s definitely annoyed i know that for certain as he starts poking me on the arm oh what have i done now i sit up and the lights are on everyone s leaving slowly oh so slowly i realise what has happened the show s over i have slept through the whole film he insists on walking me to central station to wait till my train arrives very gentlemanly especially as his limp is getting worse and he really seems to be struggling sounds ungrateful but i d rather he just left me i want nothing but to crawl under my bed and die of shame we wait at platform 7 and i am able to look at him talk to him see him as an actual man and not my evil ginger marauder all the silliness and nerves have been seared away by my embarrassment all that s left now is an urgent wish that he d leave me so i could rethink what i d done and see whether there was any way to salvage it when he tries to kiss me i cringe as i know i must taste of cheap wine and have that delightful justwokenupfromdrunkensleep look but if he s kissing me maybe all s not lost or maybe he s just too gallant to deposit me at the station and leave there are eight minutes till my train is due i m able to look at him and talk and am beginning to enjoy my lack of fear when he places his hands on either side of my waist under my coat and i m reminded in a flash of how big and aweinspiring he is that one simple gesture reduces me again to the simpering nervous girl ahhh back to square one i can t meet his eye and i fumble for something to say i go back to repeating how sorry i am for falling asleep and stress that i hadn t had time for much to eat today so the wine went straight to my head bla bla bla he interrupts me turning sarcastic well next time we go out maybe it should be for dinner oh that was a cheap shot i think but i deserve it i ve ruined this my train pulls in and as i walk down the platform i hear him laugh and say remember to get off at your stop i turn round to see if he s joking but he s already walking away my mind clears as i notice he isn t limping issue 3 julie mcdowall 